The Great Escape

I am so fucking lonely.

I have no one to talk to. Family, friends, whatever. No one.

My brothers are violent, uncontrollable assholes. I can’t talk to Dad because he’ll just be disappointed that I’m not perfect. I can’t talk to Mum, she’s stupid. And I don’t say that as an insult, she is literally not able to hold conversation at the moment because she can’t process what anyone says.

There is not a single person I know in real life I feel I can actually talk to about all the shit I need to talk about without being annoying. Everyone already knows my brothers are fucked up, everything else I get upset about, blahblahblah. Half my close friends don’t even believe everything about the brothers, anyway. I’ve had three counselling sessions and so far I’ve barely explained everything. Anything, even. She doesn’t understand how different I am. How weird and fucked up I am. Because I don’t miss having a mother - I never had one. How can I miss it, then? I’ve given up hope of ever having one. I’m not depressed about her - just angry that she’s such an unbearable idiot.

I can’t even talk to the people who are supposedly my friends. I’m not close to them. I’m not close to anyone except a bunch of people who live on the other side of the world, and I cut off almost all communication with them for various reasons about 3 months ago. The one girl I was close to in real life moved to Queensland in January. I’m supposedly still in contact with her, but she has been “replying” to my last letter for more than a month. I haven’t seen any sign of her for 6 weeks. She’s been different since she left, anyway.

At any given moment, if you ask me to look at who’s online on my facebook, there is probably a maximum of one person that would even bother replying if I said hi. No one likes me in real life. It’s plain and simple. I know why, and I’m trying to change.

But I really can’t cope with this much longer. I need conversation. Just… real conversation. About anything, as long as it has some sort of substance. And you know what? It needs to be in real life. I’m sick of popular girls who only talk to me online, away from their friends, and only when it suits them, and then claim that they’re really not bitchy popular girls. Hey, you might not be, but please don’t pretend to like me. I’d prefer if you openly disliked me.